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How much do I make?

You may be interested to know how how much I make.  Last year I made $50,000.  I’m not in debt as much as some people.  I only owe $332,000, but because I have good credit I pay less than $8,000 every year in interest.  Recently I’ve been concerned because my creditors indicated that they may not want to increase my credit line.  I tried to explain to them that the $85,000 I spend every year all goes to very important things.

I do recognize that I need to do better, so I have spent the past month really buckling down on my spending.  I have done my best to remove every frill possible.  It has been very painful, but I have managed to decrease my spending by $930, so I only spend $34,000 more than I make.

Some people are saying that won’t be enough.  They are suggesting that I should follow a 52 year plan to eliminate all my debt.  Talk about the cure killing the patient!  To show I’m serious about this problem I’m working on a multi-faceted plan to do more.  The first part of my plan is to convince the federal government to force all of my uncles who have successful businesses to give me $23,000 every year.   I’m hoping that they will just decrease their own income rather than laying off employees.  If they do lay some off though, that’s OK because I donate $9,000 every year to complete strangers who tell me they are out of a job or just need help paying their bills.  The final part of my plan is to cut another $2,000.  It will hurt, but it must be done.
You may think I’m being cruel with all these draconian cuts.  After all, I’ll decrease spending on my children’s education to $128 to $3,634 and decrease funding for their art projects by a whopping $302 to $3,473.  You must realize that even though this is necessary I have refused to change the retirement plan I created.  You see I created a mandatory retirement program for all my employees.  They give me a percentage of their income every month and, well, my plan was to save it for them and give it to them when they retired, but hard times made it necessary for me to spend it.  Don’t worry though, I’m still giving it back to them when they retire, well, most of it.  The program works though, because if they didn’t use my program they might spend it all, but at least I make sure they get most of it back when they retire.

My name is the U.S. Federal Government, and these numbers are 0.0000023256% of their original value.
Categories: Politics
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